Day 13 of CF Awareness Month
This post was supposed to happen yesterday on Mother’s Day but spent my entire day being lazy and enjoying every second of that break.
Being a mom is the greatest gift that God has ever been given to me. It is all I have ever wanted. But, I did not give birth to my tiny human. Although CF women can get pregnant and have babies, it is sometimes very difficult. And all of us that do are considered a high risk pregnancy. That has been my story all along. Years of trying only to not have it happen. The emotional let down, the tears, the anxiety, the unknown, the absolute heartbreak I have experienced during that process is unrivaled to anything I have ever been through. I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy.
I can’t explain how many times I have questioned God, screamed, yelled, and wondering why me!!?? What did I do so wrong? And then God showed up 3yrs ago when we located David’s daughter after years of him being separated from her and not knowing where she was. See we got to see her once in 2014 and then BOOM she vanished again. We found her and discovered she had been passed around between lord only knows who, abused, neglected, living in a shithole apartment with someone who apparently wasn’t supposed to actually have her. I’ll save you the details of what I think of the person who gave birth to her and put her in this situation but you can fill in the blanks!!
That little girl stormed into my world like a freight train and stole my heart. Just like that I became a full time mom. Life has changed forever, for the better of course. She is exactly what I needed and all I could ever ask for in a daughter.
But being a mom comes at a price for a CF patient. A parent sacrifices so much to be a good mom or dad. Sleep, time, energy, everything is put on the line! We don’t put ourselves first, which I’m famous for doing already but it’s amped times 1000 as a mom. My health has gone downhill because quite frankly I suck at balancing everything sometimes. Getting all my treatments in these days is an act of God in itself but I’m doing my best. I’ll find that balance again because I have no choice. I’m no good to my babygirl if I am not as healthy as I possibly can be. I love her more than I could ever put into words and I want to be around as long as possible for her! I have already beaten the odds stacked against me and I don’t intend to quit fighting that war!
Plus even at 36yrs old I still have hope of God letting me experience what it is like to be pregnant and give birth. My clock is ticking but I refuse to waiver or back down from that chance just yet, no matter how small it is.